dignity&prime

i am wordless without you
(correction: i am without speech)
everyone here knows me
because of you
but you’re not here so they don’t see me either

a spider with a leg torn off
i am not charming
not pretty
i am just scraping by
my insignificance is not even noticed –
that is how insignificant i am

indignant pride/before you, i had none
after you, i am left/missing the lie

  • Current drink: Spotted Cow by New Glarus
  • Current book: Hip Hop Family Tree, Vol. 1 by Ed Piskor
  • Current audio book: Understanding the Fundamentals of Music by Robert Greenberg
  • Current music: KUMIRA – Road (with Rheehab)

Where I’m At: June 2017

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Life is weird, but I’m back at a full-time office job now and will be able to pay off about 90% of my debts with my first paycheck this Friday.

That feels good.

What doesn’t feel good is the nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I’ve given up – that I’ve surrendered to feelings of inadequacy and my inability to make money as a writer after months of trying. But those thoughts are dumb. I know logically that they are dumb. I haven’t given up and I didn’t completely fail: I now have a more mature understanding of what it takes to be a writer.

I am now practicing a positive thinking and spinning. I have to work weekends now (which means that I can’t perform at festivals or sell my art at events)? Well, that means that I can use my time to hone my skills for when I do have weekends free again. I don’t share a day off with my boyfriend now? Well, I now have more time during the day to do the creative (and boring) things I can’t normally do while he’s home – leaving my evenings open for us to have a chill, distraction-free time.

I’ve also started utilizing a very visual organizational approach: I have a giant piece of drawing paper hung up in my bedroom laying out my weekly goals. They are divided into these sections:

  1. Cleaning
  2. Sleeping (a big struggle of mine!)
  3. Jobs (I still have 2 part time gigs to juggle with my new full-time one)
  4. Exercise 
  5. Personal maintenance (mainly good habits and doing my skin care routine)
  6. Morning routine
  7. Creative time
  8. Other (errands like bill paying, appointment setting, volunteering, and grocery shopping)

These may seem super basic and unnecessary to list. However, I’ve found that I struggle with balancing all of them. For example, some weeks I’m on top of my cleaning and errands, but no creative stuff gets done. Or I’ll paint for three straight days and sleep three hours per night, neglecting everything else. If I need a very large list on my wall to make me a little less of a hot mess, so be it.

Only time will tell how successful my new plan is. But I can’t write if I don’t have food in my stomach and a roof over my head, so I think I’m on the right track.

  • Current drink: knock-off grapefruit LaCroix
  • Current book: Womanthology: Heroic by Ann Nocenti et. al. 
  • Current audio book: The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff
  • Current music: The Deli – Encounters [Full BeatTape]