What’s Wrong and What I’m Trying to Do About It

cat-1575231_1920I haven’t made a post in a while, something that I am well aware of. I have started drafts of things, ranging from my experiences as a new AmeriCorps member to a comprehensive review of the psychological nightmare that is Neo Yokio. I also haven’t written a Kyuranger review for Geek Volcano in five weeks, even though Kyuranger has been truly worth discussing. My challenge is beyond a lack of focus or motivation – its depression.

I’ve dealt with some depressive episodes this year, which isn’t surprising to me. Money problems and job instability are possibly my biggest triggers. I’ve had more than my fair share of money issues this past year, but I thought things were stabilizing…until my car’s engine failed on the second day of my new job. In the past three weeks I’ve learned that my car warranty expired only 90 days before the failure, that my car manufacturer’s service is awful, and that the repair will cost more than two months’ wages.

Throughout all of my other issues I’ve at least had my car. I had lined up side work to help supplement my modest stipend, but they are not located on a bus line so I had to give them up. I’m of course actively looking for freelance writing work (which is remote) but it takes time not only to hear back, but also to ultimately write and get paid.

Anyways. I feel guilty for whining. And that guilt always makes my depression spiral even more, because it gives into the cycle of self-loathing and finding everything pointless. So yesterday I started the process of taking back control of my thoughts and my actions. I am in a metaphorical fist fight with my depression, and this is what I’m doing to fight it:

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SERIES REVIEW: Zambot 3

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GIF source: trazodonedreamer

This weekend I took the time to watch one of the earliest mecha shows by the prolific Yoshiyuki Tomino, of Mobile Suit Gundam fame. At 26 episodes, Zambot 3 is one of the shortest Tomino shows and an easy binge watch. It is also an early attempt at deconstructing the mecha genre, dealing with what at the time at least was one of the most commonly ignored elephants in the genre: the aftermath of the damage caused by fights.

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Where I’m At: August 2017

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I’m taking a break from binge watching the newest season of Voltron to write this and I’m at a bit of a loss for words. I think that’s because my mind is filled with thoughts of giant robots. I’m still writing Kyuranger reviews for Geek Volcano as well…and I need to finish my latest review after I finish watching Voltron!

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Some Great Binge Watches from Gainax and Studio Trigger

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I’m currently editing an article about Gunbuster, the 1988 Gainax classic which manages to tell an amazing (and heart-breaking) story in only six episodes. Gainax has perfected the art of the short series – usually in the form of slapstick, fast-paced OVAs with bright colors and memorable characters. It made me realize that all of my favorite short binge watches are either from Gainax or by production studios ran by former members of Gainax – in particular, Studio Trigger. This list includes my favorite shows and OVAs that only ran for 13 episodes or less (most for only 6). Of course I have to start with my inspiration for this article:

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Where I’m At: July 2017

I graduated 7 months ago. I’m employed, my non-profit work has been going well, and mostly importantly, I’ve been making huge strides in my goals to a) spread and b) make money from my writing. Not as much as I’d like but that’s because I underestimated the process:

I anticipated the hustle but I did not anticipate the TIME.

As both an Aries and an asshole with anxiety, I am an impatient motherfucker. Most of the promising writing leads I found in January didn’t come to fruition until the end of June. After 6 months, my approved poems were finally published in a magazine. In the same amount of time, I finally received feedback on the first draft I sent for my first paid online article. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful – I’m excited and thankful for both of these opportunities – I just honestly didn’t expect the process to take this long.

As someone who used to work as a managing editor of a literary journal, I should have seen this coming. Because of that same experience, I hold no resentment – I know how time-consuming that work is! Really, this has helped with my optimism and incentive to keep at it, because once these pieces get published, I want to have at least a few others out there going through the same process!

What has this taught me other than to try to be less of an impatient asshole? Well, the most significant lesson I’ve taken from these experiences is that I need to keep submitting, submitting, submitting and pitching, pitching, and pitching. I need to do this even when I’m still waiting to hear back from the dozens of other places I’ve reached out to.

In semi-related news, I am the featured poet for a show this weekend and for a show in August! I’m spending what free time I currently have on creating handmade merch. I’m also still writing Kyuranger reviews for Geek Volcano and have a couple new reviews and articles planned for this blog this month.

dignity&prime

i am wordless without you
(correction: i am without speech)
everyone here knows me
because of you
but you’re not here so they don’t see me either

a spider with a leg torn off
i am not charming
not pretty
i am just scraping by
my insignificance is not even noticed –
that is how insignificant i am

indignant pride/before you, i had none
after you, i am left/missing the lie

  • Current drink: Spotted Cow by New Glarus
  • Current book: Hip Hop Family Tree, Vol. 1 by Ed Piskor
  • Current audio book: Understanding the Fundamentals of Music by Robert Greenberg
  • Current music: KUMIRA – Road (with Rheehab)